“Hey, I have something for you. Since you review records, I can give you this one: Linkin Park – A Thousand Suns.” It sounds like a cruel and undignified end to a long and good friendship, but in hindsight, it turns out to be a scenario that actually happened. Even though I didn’t overlook the nasty and sneaky grin, I still forced myself to listen to this record and write about it… it can’t be that bad. Can it?
My mother is just sitting around and crying, my ears start spraying blood fountains everywhere, and my dog has been lying motionless on the floor for about 15 minutes. Observant readers might already guess: I’m in the middle of it and I absolutely don’t want to continue. The initial will to listen to each track completely and even multiple times fails miserably in reality and makes me swallow the harshness of life and the street dirt of the music industry. I will now try to document my horror trip through the longest 30 minutes of my life in a comprehensible way…
Here we go. “The Requiem” and “The Radiance” together form a single intro, which is divided into two separate parts. That’s actually fine with me, because this way the 14 tracks don’t seem so terrible anymore, as the band does me a big favor by having fewer songs. The beginning of the album feels very strange, considering how “Linkin Park” were at the start of their career. Hard metal riffs, dark bass, a grandiose drum set, and two singers who really knew their craft. But why am I now hearing a strange and electronic female voice? And why is there a kind of radio address following it?
Before I could finish that thought, the next song started. “Burning in the skies” is really where I can make a precise evaluation. And right at that point, the lump in my throat gets stuck and my fingers feel paralyzed. I begin to resign. Where have the hard metal guitars gone? Where is the rest of the instruments? And damn it, where has the screaming of the second singer gone, which gives the band its actual hardness?
After the following “Instrumental” (I vehemently refuse to call THIS an instrumental without quotation marks), another flop follows. “When they come for me” sounds like a cheap Limp Bizkit knockoff with damn poor musical “qualities” in the form of cheap electronic effects. The crowning moment comes in the chorus, which I will try to describe: Please imagine an oriental singer singing “Aaahhhaaaahhh.” Now imagine that this woman has undergone both a sex change and a (failed!) vocal cord transplant and then tries to get that chorus right again. That’s roughly how it sounds. Just a bit better.
I have bravely held on, but I am getting weaker… the song “Robot Boy” starts rolling out of the speakers. Why do I suddenly think of the Backstreet Boys? Pop-like “Uuuhuuu”-howling in the background is just the beginning of the distorted and boy band-like singing. Terrible, I feel like I’ve been transported back 15 years, when most of the world’s population under 13 found it “cool” to listen to this music. And I’m supposed to endure this for 4:29 minutes? No way!! Next song!
Now I’m indecisive. The song is only 1:39 long, but it doesn’t differ much from the predecessor “Robot Boy.” Just with less singing and more miserable sounds.
Finally, a song that speaks to my soul! “Waiting for the end.” Yes, I am eagerly waiting for the end of this silver disc. This wishful thinking is reinforced by the singing, which seems to get worse with each song. I can barely endure the disaster for a few minutes before I sigh and start the next song…
What’s going on now? After more unnecessary and bad effects, a rap starts that even sounds somewhat aggressive and then FINALLY brings a little glimmer of hope. The second singer of the band seems to have finally found the door to the studio and delights me for a few seconds with screaming! That feels really good after all the flops I’ve had to endure so far, because I also feel like screaming. But unfortunately, the pleasure ends as quickly as it came, because cheap scratch effects destroy the rest of the program and lead back to the boring and lousy singer of the previous tracks. He is so reliably and consistently bad that even the song “Blackout” disappears into the mental trash can. A huge disappointment! I must not forget to immediately empty the mental trash can in my head, ritually burn it, and quickly get a new one.
Yes, another 1:38 minutes with strange speeches. Aside from the inflationarily used computer voice (which, to put it mildly, is really getting on my nerves!), nothing is really bad… except for the fact that the mentioned voice dominates the “instrumental.”
Short break. The doctor called: My family only suffered a severe skull-brain trauma and can leave the intensive care unit after 3 months in a coma. The doctors are asking about the cause of this terrible incident. Full of guilt, I lie to the doctor that I know nothing. With a bad conscience, I hang up and get back to work.
Slowly, I’m starting to wonder if I’m listening to a rap-metal band or if I accidentally raided the CD shelf of a 7-year-old girl. It’s really just crying and electro coming out of the speakers! “Iridescent” is supposed to be something like a ballad, but considering the whole album, I would really be cautious with that. I’m really not sure about anything anymore!
“Fallout” means “radioactive fallout.” And that’s how I feel. Contaminated, dejected, and close to the end… an instrumental that is really only dominated by sounds that don’t cause ear cancer.
“The Catalyst.” A very inconspicuous name, I must admit. But it’s just sad to see what “Linkin Park” has cobbled together. Exactly the same “fun” as before: boy band singing, electronic effects, and… 5:39 minutes. Help!
Finally! The very last song! I’ve almost made it and I’m already longing for the famous glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. As I walk tearfully towards the end, I hear an acoustic guitar… a guitar? On this album? Yes, there’s a guitar that actually speaks to me. But before I can take a mental break, the singing starts. I begin to take my legs in my hands and flee further towards the light… but the song doesn’t let up. When there’s no singing, the second singer is screaming into the microphone. And no, unlike in the song “Blackout,” it DOES NOT SOUND GOOD! Damn, I’ve had enough!
I stop the recordings and start to cry.
What has become of “Linkin Park”? WHAT? From hard metal-rap and thick crossover action, it has turned into an album whose right to exist is in the negative range on a scale from 1 to 10. Even for a disco, the album is simply too bad, and I can’t imagine any trash can willingly tolerating something like this. I wish I had a “Thousand Suns” at my disposal, as per the album title, to make this monstrosity disappear from the face of the earth.
Strangely enough, it says on Wikipedia: “Many critics have called it a masterpiece [...]”. I don’t know what these “critics” are usually presented with, but if it falls short compared to “A Thousand Suns,” then I don’t want to look further into the abyss!
Anyone who still wants to get this CD can look forward to polished pop crap with miserable acoustic accompaniment and singing that could trigger wars. As a fan of the band, you will be immensely disappointed.
Personally, I give the album – even though I could tolerate their old pieces – no stars for this album, because normally there’s nothing for refusal to work. But even if there could be points, I wouldn’t distribute them, because even those 0 distributed points would be too much. I’m sorry if I stole your precious attention and time, but just be content with the thought that the author of these lines has gone through music hell for it. However, to make the review a bit more presentable and to clarify from the start how to describe this album, I will give it 1. In reality, however, you could subtract another 5 or 6 from that one point. Or more, depending on taste.
Excuse me now, I need to kick a dear friend between the legs...
